Disclaimer! Writing this post at 6 AM, really tired, probably lots of weird stuff, rambling and grammar/spelling mistakes ahead! I just needed to do this before I gave up on it
Yes, I should have posted but didn't do it, so it can be seen as a failure, since the main objective wasn't achieved. I had family matters to attend but I knew about it before hand and could have planned around it.
My sister has a friend who once said that "excuses are still excuses, even if they are true" and I agree with that, there is no point in deflecting blame by finding excuses, in the end that's all they are, excuses that keep you from facing your issues.
On the other hand I also agree with the line (I don't know where I heard it) "the past is a great place to visit, but a horrible place to live in" because you need to look in the past to remember the good times and to look at and work on your issues, but you can't relive any of the good moments or change any of your mistakes and that is really painful.
So I should have planned ahead and made the post before, next time that's what I'll try to do. It isn't a big deal, as long as it doesn't become the rule there is no harm in missing a post. After all, trying is more important than achieving, because without the trying you will never get anywhere.
But why did I not do that in the first place? prepare and post before I was out of time? the thought even crossed my mind during the week, I just couldn't push myself to do it. Now that I'm writing about it that seems even more important than not posting on time itself.
For some time now, my life has been a roller coaster, some days are good and I have energy and I can push myself forward and be productive, but then comes a bad day and I can't do anything and feel really useless and worthless. It is hard to keep a positive momentum like this, but I guess this is only the beginning and it isn't supposed to be easy, I need to be patient, I can't expect results to come so fast, but this is all just so frustrating.
In these past couple weeks I had more bad days than good ones and it is really hard to be positive on those days. I don't feel like writing when I'm on those days, because nobody wants to read about a person whining and feeling sorry for herself. But who is judging? Who is even reading this? And why should I care? If I'm feeling down I should express it and not bottle it up, I shouldn't feel ashamed or wrong for not being positive all the time, there is nothing wrong with that. I'm not a machine.
Today I watched a silly romantic movie (Two Night Stand) that actually made me feel ok with myself, made me feel like even though I'm unemployed and lost in my life, that doesn't mean I'm worthless, so I decided to write this post.
In this movie people were so honest and not afraid of other people's feeling, I need some of that, I fear too much other people's opinion, I fear not fitting in, I fear being inadequate, but the truth is you'll never feel like you belong, if you keep molding or holding yourself back to fit in. I really need to be more honest with and about myself. I already do that in my love life, might as well carry that to all the rest.
I guess this is all about finding self worth in what makes me feel like me.
All that is easier said than done, but this is a start, so we'll see.
I'll edit this after I get some sleep and add the progress bars and some sketches I made, I'm too tired to do this right now and my head is starting to hurt so yeah, this is it. I'm out.
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