In the last post I tackled one of my failures in order to overcome and better understand it and also to be able to avoid and/or deal with it, should it happen again. I think the main reason behind of it all were my bad days. Everybody have bad days, but I've been having them too often and intense, making them unhealthy and crippling.
I watched a video that helped me a lot, it is about learned helplessness:
On my bad days that's exactly how I feel, helpless, like nothing that I do matters and that nothing is gonna change, so why bother even trying. And this feeling lingers even on my better days, I feel incapable of achieving things on my own and so I look for the help of other people. I start projects with friends, because I feel that on my own it won't work, it won't go far, but people have their own schedules and priorities and things don't go as planned and I go back to not getting anything done and feeling helpless.
In high school it wasn't like that, I was in control, I new what I needed to do and that I could do it, so I'd just go on and do it. In college it was a great shock, I learnt that I was nowhere near good enough to make through it all, I must say I only graduated because of my friends, without them I'd still be there struggling or maybe I'd given up mid way. Well Architecture was never what I wanted to do, my first pick was Video Game Design, but I knew my parents would never accept that so I thought about Design and it would have been a great choice, but on the college that I wanted to go to that course was available only during the night, and so I ended up on Architecture, because it was the next best thing. So of course it was gonna be a hard course, there were almost no classes that I was minimally interested in, I was just doing them to get through. Funny how things work out though, I went through all that to just get back to where I started, I still want to work with games and am looking into getting into that, well at least now I'm sure.
I went a bit off the path on this post so getting back to the point, I need to teach myself that even though college was hard and that I wouldn't be able to do it on my own, that doesn't mean I can't do anything alone. I need to get back that confidence that I can get things done, I can achieve whatever it is that I want, maybe not everything, but surely more than I think I'm capable of right now.
I need to find my worth and I need to do it myself, because it won't really get through to me unless I'm able to say it myself, if others say I'm not worthless and that I can do things, I'll be flattered, but I won't really believe it. I need to stop getting shocked and find ways to stop it.
When I was younger whenever I saw myself lost like this I'd look for something new, something to boost my confidence, sometimes just a change on my look would do the trick, if that wasn't the case, I'd find a new hobby. When you start a new activity it is easy to progress and you can see it clearly, so it is a big: oh look! you can do this! you are totally doing it and getting better hahaha. So that is what I'm looking for in my life right now, I'm gonna start a solo project and try to find other things I can do on my own, gonna work on my looks as well, cause I've been feeling down in that matter as well (girls will be girls lol) and hopefully bit by bit I can rebuild my confidence and stop having so many bad days. Also I'm gonna try to post even on my bad days, even if it is just to whine so beware of incoming sad posts, you've been warned!
Progress:
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